♪
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I WAS JUST SAYING-- JON, I WAS JUST SAYING
THAT, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT A JOY IT IS TO DO THE SHOW
FOR A LIVE AUDIENCE.
I MEAN, THIS IS WHAT I DID FOR, LIKE, 35 YEARS AND NOT HAVING IT
FOR A YEAR WAS REALLY WEIRD.
BUT WHAT I DIDN'T EXPECT WAS TO HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW MUCH EASIERED
IT TO DO IT FOR PEOPLE THAN NOT FOR PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER )
LONG--
I MEAN, I GUESS-- HOW ABOUT THIS?
I GUESS "EASY" ISN'T THE WORD.
IT TAKES ENERGY TO THROW STUFF AT THE AUDIENCE, BUT THEY GIVE
IT BACK, YOU KNOW.
IT'S A RELATIONSHIP, WHICH I REALLY LOVE.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: AND I WAS JUST WONDERING--
( APPLAUSE )
OVER THERE, I MEAN, YOU'RE ALL LIVE PERFORMERS.
WHAT IS THIS LIKE FOR YOU TO BE BACK IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE?
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.
IT'S A RECIPROCAL EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP.
>> Stephen: YES, IT IS.
( APPLAUSE )
WITH THE PEOPLE, THAT'S WHAT I WOULD SAY.
IT'S NOT JUST FOR THE PEOPLE.
IT'S WITH THE PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> Jon: WHEN YOU GET BACK IN YOU REALLY REMEMBER THAT.
AND I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: NO, NO, KNOCK WOOD.
KNOCK WOOD.
( APPLAUSE )
HERE WE GO.
( APPLAUSE )
BE HERE BECAUSE, FOLKS.
I SPEND A LOT OF TIME GATHERING THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL STORIES
ABOUT NATIONAL STUDIES, SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGHS, AND
DRUNK MOOSE BREAKING INTO ICE CREAM SHOPS, ONLY TO HAVE A
PANDEMIC HIT, DURING WHICH I TAKE THEM INTO A SAD, EMPTY
LITTLE ROOM WHERE MY ONLY FRIENDS ARE ROBOT CAMERAS AND A
PURELL BOTTLE, AND I LET MYSELF GO WHILE SLOWLY DESCENDING INTO
MADNESS AS I SHOVE MY SWEET INNOCENT LITTLE JOKES INTO A
SEGMENT THAT I AM FORCED TO RENAME "QUARANTINE-WHILE."
BUT SOMETIMES, I CRAWL OUT OF THE BROOM CLOSET AFTER 15
MONTHS, POUR MYSELF BACK INTO A SUIT, ASSEMBLE THE TOP TEAM IN
THE BUSINESS, THE SWINGIN'EST BAND IN LATE NIGHT, AND THE
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO I CAN RETURN TO YOUR LOVING ARMS THE KICK-ASS,
PROPERLY-PRESENTED CELEBRATION OF MARGINAL NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"MEANWHILE!" IT HEALED A NATION.
IT'S BACK, BABY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A MILESTONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN MASSACHUSETTS, A COMMERCIAL LOBSTER DIVER WAS
SWALLOWED WHOLE BY A HUMPBACK WHALE.
REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS BIBLE STORY: "MICHAEL PACKARD, THE
COMMERCIAL LOBSTER DIVER, AND THE WHALE."
THE GUY'S TOTALLY OKAY, AND APPARENTLY WAS TRAPPED IN ITS
GULLET FOR NEARLY A MINUTE BEFORE BEING COUGHED BACK UP.
THE FACT THAT HE TASTED BAD SAVED HIS LIFE.
THAT'S WHY I NEVER GO SWIMMING WITHOUT MY CILANTRO SHORTSZ.
BUT NOW THAT THE ORDEAL IS OVER, MR. PACKARD HAS ONE REQUEST--
THAT MATT DAMON PLAY HIM IN THE MOVIE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
REALLY!
WOW!
A WHOLE MATT DAMON MOVIE, ABOUT ONE MINUTE IN A WHALE'S MOUTH.
MIGHT SEEM LIKE A STRETCH, BUT HOLLYWOOD IS ALREADY DEVELOPING
"GOOD WILL HUMPBACK" AND "PUKING PRIVATE PRIVATE RYAN."
MEANWHILE, IN CELEBRITY NEWS, MADE OUT AT A STEAMY,
P.D.A.-PACKED DINNER.
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S 2004 ALL OVER AGAIN.
THROW ME IN A VELOUR TRACKSUIT THAT SAYS "JUICY" ACROSS THE
BUTT AND VOTE KERRY/EDWARDS CUZ I AM ALL IN ON BENNIFER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS LIKE "GIGLI" IF PEOPLE HAD WANTED TO SEE IT.
( LAUGHTER )
MAYBE ALL OF THE "GIGLI" FANS HERE TONIGHT.
MEANWHILE, BECAUSE OF STAFFING SHORTAGES,s THE T.S.A.
IS ASKING ITS OFFICE WORKERS TO HELP OUT AT CHECKPOINTS THIS
SUMMER.
OH, GOOD.
GET READY FOR A FULL PAT-DOWN FROM BRAD IN ACCOUNTING.
( LAUGHTER )
WITH THE T.S.A. SAYING THAT OFFICES "HAVE BEEN SENDING UP
VOLUNTEERS THROUGHOUT THE WEEK, AND THEY'VE BEEN ACCEPTED TO
DEPLOY."
"DEPLOY"?
CHILL OUT, T.S.A.
IT'S THE SECURITY LINE AT O'HARE, NOT VIETNAM.
( AS GRUFF SOLDIER )
THAT MAN'S EYES WHEN I TOLD HIM HE HAD TO TAKE HIS SHOES OFF.
WE LOST A LOT OF GOOD WATER BOTTLES THAT DAY."
( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE "AUSTRALIAN RESEARCHERS HAVE DISCOVERED WHY ONLY TWO OF
THE ECHIDNA'S FOUR PENIS HEADS BECOME ERECT AT ONE TIME."
I'M GOING TO SAY YOU'RE BURYING THE LEDE THERE, SCIENCE.
HOW CAN THE FACT THAT THIS LITTLE GUY IS ROCKIN' FOUR DONGS
NOT BE THE HEADLINE?
THAT'S LIKE REPORTING, "DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN AND HIS FOUR
PENISES, ONLY TWO OF THEM ERECT!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DR. SANJAY GUPTA.
♪ ♪ ♪