- That's why I like watching the late night phone sex
commercials on TV.
- When you see it, you have to have it.
- They spent billions of dollars.
- It's not free, you're free, you're worthless.
Be quiet. (audience laughing)
There are a lot of things I think grownups
should stop doing, one of them is this joke.
Really?
That's gotta stop.
Really?
It's kinda all I say offstage.
Really, really, cold soup, really?
Really, gazpacho, really?
It's all I have.
I was almost hit by a car.
I almost died by a car.
I looked in the window, the guy was reading.
I think an adult man would get angry in that situation.
Not me, I just go, really?
Really?
Driving whilst reading, really?
Really?
I don't even say the full word sometimes, just R-A.
Ra?
It's an Egyptian sun god, Ra?
People are laughing, doing back flips,
lighting mattresses on fire.
Like, you're Robin Williams, eh, really?
We gotta stop that.
There's a lot of jokes I think we should stop making,
and now that I have you all here,
I think we should talk about it.
For example, when you're in a store
and you're trying to buy something,
you get up to the cashier, you try and scan it,
it won't scan, so they don't know how much it is,
it doesn't scan.
10 times out of 10, a knucklehead
in that situation will go, oh yeah?
Must be free.
(audience laughing)
You don't know how much it is?
I'll wager a guess.
Free?
Is it free?
Give that to me for free.
Shut up.
That joke is over.
They hear it a thousand times a day.
It's not free, you're free, you're worthless, be quiet.
When I'm walking on the street and we see,
a group of my friends, we see a limousine,
always one person in the group will go, oh, my ride is here.
Be quiet.
You're a dick, no one likes you.
I want to hit you in the head with a frozen ham
an ambulance is your ride.
You ride a Huffy.
- But see, I think sex is funny.
That's why I like watching the late night phone sex
commercials on TV, 'cause they're ridiculous.
You always have these, like, five chicks
and they're always wearing these,
like, tight, plastic-looking bikinis and things.
And they're always doing something weird,
like they're dancing up and down a barbed wire fence.
(audience laughing)
For no reason.
And these chicks, they've got two,
like, best friends, and their friends are over here
and they're doing something weird like bouncing beach balls.
By the barbed wire fence.
So it's always the same from beginning to end.
You've got these chicks and they're, like, oh yeah.
I'm a bad girl.
That's why I'm dancing up and down this barbed wire fence.
Ah.
And their friends are over here and they're like (giggles).
And we like playing with balls.
Give us a call, let's talk about your balls.
It's awesome.
That's why I think every company should hire these chicks
to do every commercial there is to make.
So you're like watching TV, commercial break,
boom, five chicks in little tight, plastic clothes,
and they're just looking at you and they're like,
oh yeah.
I like it hot.
I like it hot and I like it fun.
Hot and fun.
That's why I go to Chuck E. Cheese.
- Me, we'd even have you believe God was an American.
God wasn't an American.
They created the big Y2K mayhem
and we went out and acted like fools
when the year was rolling over into 2000.
Spent billions of dollars, even computer experts
and high top executives spent billions of dollars
fixing the computers so nothing would happen
when it rolled over.
Thought maybe the end of the world was coming.
And when it came, nothing happened,
not a damn thing happened.
Now, a lot of us didn't have computers,
but we did some other ignorant stuff
like we unplugged the microwave oven so it wouldn't go off.
My father cranked the car up and let it run
from '99 to 2000.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Saying that when it switched over, the car might not start,
but it didn't start half the time in 1999.
So, I didn't really see what the big deal was.
Went and bought, my mama filled up the bathtub
with water because she heard there was gonna be
a revolution or the end of the world
and if she survived, she wanted to make sure
the toilet would flush.
I told my mama, if the end of the world come
and you happen to survive, where you (beep)
oughta be your last concern.
Go next door and use the toilet
and then just come back home.
You can do it out in the front yard.
Nobody's around but you.
Or you could just use the bathroom on yourself,
you've done that before, Mama.
- If I could have dinner with one person,
alive or dead, I think I would choose alive.
(audience laughing and applauding)
The airlines are all bankrupt now, all of them.
Things are already different,
it's already a different experience.
I was in a plane four days ago,
cross country flight on a major airline.
And this is all true, about halfway through the flight,
the plane took a nosedive.
For about five seconds, we were in total free-fall.
And after that, they tried to sell us pictures of us
looking terrified.
(audience laughing and applauding)
For $8.95.
And I'm telling you, when you see it, you have to have it.
But still...
(upbeat music) (audience cheering)