'Argh, not the bees, not the bees. My eyes, my eyes arrrrrghhhh!'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
'Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.'
In 2006 a film company decided to remake horror classic The Wicker Man,
'Now why in the hell would you let them do a sick, twisted thing like that?'
and it would be very easy for us to compare and contrast the two and show by what volume of magnitude the remake is inferior.
'Don't criticise what you know nothing about'
But, just because a film should never have been made, doesn't mean we shouldn't judge it on its own merits.
'Back up, I swear to god I will shoot you.'
I don't think this is bad because it's an unnecessary remake of a much-loved film.
'How quixotic of you'
It's bad because it's bad.
'That's right'
Nic Cage's central performance veers between a sort of stoned Jimmy Stewart with immobile face,
'Fertility festivals were utilised in much the same way.'
and wild overacting.
'How'd it get burned,?How did it get burned?'
'Edward, why are you yelling at me?'
Maybe he's angry about the script.
'Step away from the bike'
I would be.
'Phallic symbol, phallic symbol'
Cage is here looking for a missing girl,
using the time-honoured police technique of breaking into people's houses,
assaulting small children,
and punching women in the face,
sometimes kicking.
Why not call for back-up?
'There's no phone service on Summersisle'
So it would seem,
'Hello?'
but…
#phone rings#
'Hello, hello? Pete Pete help us.'
What's most fascinating about that call is it has no impact on the plot.
'Didn't even know you had a plot'
They've shattered the film's internal logic to no purpose.
'I don't understand'
Although in fairness, it had already taken a beating,
'I'd just like a room and a meal'
Why is there a hotel on an island that doesn't allow visitors?
'This is private property, you can't land here without permission.'
Why would a man with a bee allergy run in this direction instead of back the way he came?
Help! I'm hanging over a pile of hay.
'Look, I'm trying to trust you here but every time I turn my head there's somehting that doesn't make any sense'
But that's nothing to the plot hole that opens up when the islanders,
as if admitting there's no way anyone could actually follow the plot, do a bit of Scooby doo explaining.
'We orchestrated all of this with the greatest care'
You see, last year's harvest failed,
'Our crop was cursed last year'
So they need a sacrifice.
'What we require is a starnger, yet one who is connected to us'
and so...
'Your fate was sealed years ago when she chose to be with you'
so, in anticipation of an event you couldn't possibly have predicted,
your daughter conceived a child 6 years ago with a man whose actions you couldn't possibly have predicted,
in the hope that the harvest would fail when that daughter was a nice convenient age for all this to pan out.
'This is a story whose chapters were carefully written'
No they bloody weren't!
'God dman it.'
And even if you buy that level of fore-planning,
how little faith do you have to have in your god to assume that your harvest will fail at some point?
'It's not right'
If you've got that little faith no wonder it failed, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy!
'I'm lost'
And really, do these look like people who lack faith.
All that having been yelled, my biggest problem remains that we went from this...
'Oh God! Oh Jesus Christ!'
to this.
'Oh God. Oh my God'
I know I said I wouldn't make comparisons but what the fuck!
'That sums it up'
Remakes rarely make the grade, but let us know which remake you think is the worst. Thanks for watching and don't forget to subscribe
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