- We sped up the natural cycle of life and death.
We gave these three suckers a shortcut.
- [Narrator] This episode of Kid Nation
is called "To Kill or Not to Kill?"
which is a perfectly normal and not at all terrifying title
for a reality show about a bunch of kids
running their own society.
We're on day five of this ridiculous experiment
and we now find out that Kid Nation
is home to 18 beloved chickens.
They all tend to the chickens and fight over
who gets to touch warm eggs, gross.
- That is so awesome.
- [Narrator] Emilie tells us she lives on a farm
with a bunch of mustangs and loves animals.
Sounds like this nine year old
is this episodes perfect target for psychological torture.
Let's traumatize some kids!
Welcome to Kid Nation,
one of the most insane reality TV shows ever made,
where unaccompanied minors are driven
to the middle of the desert
to build a society from scratch,
cook for themselves, clean for themselves,
run their own economy
and drink bleach for themselves off camera.
Yep, that actually happened.
This show was so nuts it leaves you wondering,
is this
(exploding)
the worst reality show ever made?
The council reads the town journal
which of course tells them
to kill all the chickens everyone loves
because whoever made this show is a sociopath.
So they discuss it with the town.
All the other kids are busy
eating terrible food with no meat,
perfectly prime to take on the vegan vs meat eating dilemma
that us adults handle all the time
with no problems at all.
- Animals are friends.
People just don't realize that.
- [Narrator] Then it comes up that if they wanna do this
they don't really know how,
and that's when we get our weekly reminder
that Greg is not to be messed with
when he tells us he worked with a butcher
and has butchered, like, every animal.
- I've butchered cattle, I've butchered pigs,
I've butchered goats, I've butchered lambs,
I've butchered turkeys, I've butchered chickens.
- [Narrator] Seriously, don't mess with this kid.
So they put it to a vote and decide to kill the chickens.
The animal lovers stage an impressive non-violent protest
and lock themselves inside the chicken coop.
When I was five I visited a farm
and I stuck my fingers in the chicken coop
'cause my mom asked me not to
and a chicken bit my finger.
It hurt.
My point is, this is a suicide mission
and I would never do it.
- Are they, like, gonna hang them
like they did Saddam Hussein?
- [Narrator] They discuss it with the protestors
and decide that since they've been given
literally no other options for protein besides eggs,
they'll kill the chickens.
They don't address the fact
that the show could've very easily provided those options
instead of exploiting the problem they created themselves,
forcing them to kill the animals they've grown to love
in a highly dramatic series of events
made to increase their TV ratings,
but that's what makes this the worst reality show ever made.
Anyway, they kill the chickens in front of everyone,
cut them up and cook them for the town.
Hooray.
Hang on a sec, I'm just as bad as the show for watching it
and worse for telling you about it
so I might as well exploit this to the fullest
all over again.
Let's go back and watch this ridiculously dramatic sequence
play out for real.
We start with a warning.
The following scene may be intense for young children.
If I'm a child watching this, I am psyched.
They even bring in Tarantino to guest this scene.
("Little Green Bag")
Look, I gotta give them credit,
they really go all out for this scene.
The kids are scared, I'm scared watching,
they hate that they're about to do this,
I hate that they're about to do this.
Maybe if we were all forced to watch the animals we eat
get executed in town square like this
we'd all go vegan together and save the planet.
Then again, while some of them literally run away,
some seem to handle the chicken execution pretty well.
- We sped up the natural cycle of life and death.
We gave these three suckers a shortcut.
- [Narrator] Damn, Jared, that's cold.
So they make chicken soup and everyone's happy,
until the next morning when they're hit with
the harsh, cold reality that reality is cold.
Like, they're in the desert, so it's cold in the morning.
Everything's frozen,
so they take boiling water to the well and unfreeze it.
Then they assemble at the giant board of capitalism
where a FarmersOnly.com ad gives a shout out
to the sun coming out
and they go bananas for it.
- Well guys, thankfully the sun is out
and it's warming up.
(cheering and applause)
- [Narrator] He tells them to get ready
for their big challenge
to determine their power structure for the week.
That's when we discover that even when
Jared says something normal,
he finds a way to look badass.
This is his Jeff Goldblum pose.
- I do not want to lose this upper class position.
- [Narrator] Jared rules.
Hey kids, you know what else rules?
Class warfare.
- [Group Of Kids] Upper class, upper class!
- [Narrator] The kids all suit up
for their dystopian summer camp showdown.
Youth Pastor John shows them the 45 foot waterslide
they've plopped into the middle of the desert.
- And don't worry, guys, it's heated!
(cheering)
- [Narrator] It's heated, yay!
My God, could you imagine having to ride
that water slide with cold water?
Ugh, nightmare.
Anyway, if they finish the showdown within an hour
they get to chose between that
going in the middle of town
and some yet to be determined alternative
that probably corresponds to a basic living necessity
they've been deprived of 'til now,
because this is the worst reality show ever made.
They all run a bunch of water pipes
to see who can waste the most water
during a climate emergency,
and they don't get the reward.
Turns out the other options would've been
water pumps that don't freeze,
so unfortunately we don't get to see the results
of that Sophie's Choice.
Taylor and her friends hang out instead of doing work
and Greg starts helping everyone out
'cause just to review, the town council
picks the best kid each week
and gives them $20,000 dollars,
and just to review, Greg's not here to make friends.
(surprised yelp)
Emilie tries to hang out with her chicken friends again
and the chicken murderers kick her out,
so she threatens to leave Bonanza.
Do it!
Run and get help.
It's too late for the chickens, save yourself.
The town council can't decide whether to give the gold star
to Greg who does work just 'cause he wants the gold star,
or to Michael, who does work out of some naive optimism
that they're not all trapped in the desert
shirking child labor laws for my amusement and now yours.
Sorry.
Michael ends up with the gold star
and gets his one phone call to his lawyer.
I mean parents.
His mom says she's proud of him
but the best part is getting to talk to him on the phone.
On one hand, that's very sweet,
and on the other hand,
why aren't these kids aloud to talk to their own parents?
Is it because this is the worst reality show ever made?
Yes, yes it is.
Don't worry, that was just episode two.
Every episode of this series drove me more insane
than the last and hopefully it will ruin your life too.
That's what makes it the best worst reality show ever made.
I love you and we're in this together.