-I got a new transportation app, too, man.
-A transportation app? -That's right!
It's a-called Lift. -Uh-huh.
-Do you need to go somewhere?
Lift your ass off the couch and walk, man.
'Cause I'm not driving you.
♪♪
-Well, this week, Red Sox slugger David Ortiz
played his final series against the New York Yankees.
Here to talk about it is Big Papi himself, David Ortiz.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yo, yo, yo, yo! Yo, yo, yo!
Oh! -[ Laughs ]
-Well...
¿Qué pasa contigo, el Jost?
-Hey, you know, más o menos. ¿Y usted?
-Shut up.
Man, we already got a deal with the Tim Kaine, man.
-That's fair.
Now, Big Papi, what do you think
you'll miss most about playing at Yankee Stadium?
-You know, after all of these years, if I had
to pick-a the one thing,
I'd probably say...
lunch.
-You'll miss lunch? -Yeah, that's right, man.
Big stadium got a big lunch.
You ever eat at the Yankee Stadium, Jost?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Man, they got mofongo, pechuga frita...
sopa de es spaghetti...
y horchata con jamón.
It's like a sweet milky ham drink.
-Oh, my God. -Yeah, man.
-It's delicious, yeah.
Now, I heard the Yankees
also gave you kind of a farewell present.
-Oh, that's right, man.
Mariano Rivera gave me a tiny box.
I open it up -- big lunch.
Inside there was mofongo...
arroz con vegetale...
chicharrón de bistec...
[ Chuckles ]
...y guasacaca con queso frito!
-That was all in a box?
-And then, instead of playing baseball,
everybody take a big nap.
Yeah, the fans were no happy. -No, no.
And do you know what
you're gonna do at the end of the season?
-Oh, yeah, bro. I endorsements.
-Like, you do endorsements?
-No, no, no, no. I endorse mints.
Mints.
Do you want your breath to be acceptable for 15 minutes?
Reach for mints.
It's a-like brushing your teeth, but with sugar.
Five out of five dentists say, "Uh-oh."
With mints. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-So that's just, like, a general ad for mints?
-Well, I guess so.
But I do specific brands, too.
-Yeah, okay. -Yeah.
Do you like Pepsi but you hate how sanitary it is?
Then reach for Hepsi. [Hep-C]
It's the only soda pop that's also a liquid STD.
So when people ask, "You got hep?"
you can tell them, "Sí." [C]
With Hepsi.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
And, you know, I got a new transportation app, too, man.
-A transportation app? -That's right!
It's a-called Lift. -Uh-huh.
-Do you need to go somewhere?
Lift your ass off the couch and walk, man.
'Cause I'm not driving you.
-Now, that's an app? -Yeah, bro!
Boy, I know what you're thinking.
"What if I can't get an erection?"
Yuh? Yuh?
-Wh-- I...
No, I-I was not thinking that, no.
-Well, then, you should try Cialis.
-Cialis?
-Do you need a little extra fat on your back?
Go see Alice.
Yeah, it's a girl Alice that I know, man.
She very pretty.
And if she can't get you aroused,
I think it's broke, bro.
-Big Papi, everyone.
-Yeah, you're gonna miss me, Yankees!
-Tomorrow, the New England Patriots
will attempt to win their fifth Super Bowl title.
-Boo! -Here to --
[ Cheering ] -Easy.
Here to talk about it is the biggest New England fan we know,
Boston Red Sox slugger, David Ortiz!
-Whoa! Yo, yo, yo, yo! Yeah!
Whoo! Hey! ¿Cómo estás, El Jost?
-Good! Good!
-Are you ready for the es Super Bowl?
-I am. I'm excited. You know, I actually might have
some people over if you want to...
-No!
-So, Big Papi. -Yes?
-Do you have any kind of Super Bowl traditions you do?
-Oh, yeah! They're gonna shock you, mang!
But, actually, I do a pretty big lunch.
-Yeah, you do a big lunch. Yeah.
-Yeah. A big lunch. For Big Papi!
Yeah, we're gonna have mofongo.
-Yeah. -Arroz con fideos...
langosta con mantequilla de chicharrón...
y bizcocho de yogurt.
And you know -- -That's healthy.
-Do you know Yon Madden?
-Yon -- John Madden? -Yeah, man. Yon Madden, mang.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-You know, he always make a turducken, mang.
That's a turkey inside a duck inside a chicken.
I'm gonna make a mofenguin.
It's a mofongo inside a chicken inside a penguin.
Yeah. Yeah. It's a big mofongo, too.
So you're gonna need a big-ass penguin.
-I'm sorry. Where are you getting a penguin?
-From the zoo, bro! Yeah, you know what they say.
Happy Feet, happy estomago!
-No, they don't -- -Yeah.
They gonna eat the penguin. Yeah.
-No one says that.
Now, you're retired from baseball, obviously,
but I've noticed you've also been doing a lot more ads on TV.
-Oh, yeah, I got a hungry mouth to feed, mang. This one.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, that's why I do product plugs.
-Product -- Like, you plug products on TV?
-No, no, no, I tell you which products have plugs.
Yeah. Lamps.
That's a-got a plug.
Toaster. That's a-got a plug, too.
Hamster wheel. That don't need a plug.
It's a-got a hamster. You see?
It's very educational, mang. -Yeah, I learned a lot.
-Yeah, I also do ads for Little Scissors.
-Little Caesars Pizza?
-No, no, no. Little Scissors.
Do you want to give a haircut to a little baby?
Or cut the toenails of a prima donna iguana?
Reach for Little Scissors.
But don't give it to a monkey. He might cut your pee-pee.
-Wow. -[ Chuckles ]
Yeah. -Yeah. Thanks.
I can visualize it. Thank you.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah!
So, do you have any ads running in the Super Bowl?
-Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah! I got one for a new sponsor.
It's a product for everybody. -Everyone?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-Are you really self-conscious about your body?
And are you a manatee?
Well, why not wear a Mana-T?
It's a T-shirt that a fat manatee
can wear when he goes a-swimming.
Yeah. But it no help with the boat propeller.
Ohh! -Oh, no.
-No, no. -No. Yeah.
-Hey! -[ Laughs ]
-Do you know how the manatee got so fat?
-How the manatee got fat? No. How?
-From eating guasacaca con queso frito.
It's a-no good for manatees, man.
-Yeah. It's not great for humans, either.
-Yeah, not good for anybody. -Okay.
-Yeah.
-Okay. Now, do you have any Super Bowl predictions?
-Oh, yeah. I predict they're gonna really enjoy Lady Ha-Ha.
Um, and I tell you this, mang.
I never bet against Falcons.
Not after falcons tore my cousin to pieces.
[ Sighs ] So...
[ Chuckles ]
If I had to predict the final score,
I'd say Falcons one cousin,
Patriots 100 mofongos.
-Big Papi, everyone! -Yeah!
-In the world of sports, the Boston Red Sox
beat the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series.
[ Cheers and applause ] Easy, easy.
Here to comment is former Red Sox slugger
Big Papi, himself, David Ortiz!
-Oh! Yo!
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!
Whoo!
¿Cómo estás, El Jost?
Oh, los Red Sox are los campeones del mundo!
-Yeah, that's right. Champions of the world!
-Shut up. You no translate.
-Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-The Red Sox win another World Series, man!
And you know how we celebrate in Boston?
-You had a big parade, right? -We had a big lunch!
-T-There was a lunch?
-Yeah, whole city eat a big Dominican lunch!
With Big Papi!
-Okay. Okay.
And, then, what sort of lunch --
-We had mofongo...
habichuelas con dulce...
[ Speaking Spanish ]
...con clam.
And then for Halloween,
we finish it all off with a slice of pumplican pie.
-I'm sorry. Wait. Pumplican?
-Yeah, that's when a pelican eat a pumpkin,
and then you eat the pelican.
It's a-spooky. -Okay.
-Did you celebrate with other players after the game?
-Oh, yeah, bro. Everyone in that locker room
was spraying each other with something.
I think you know what it is. -Oh, yeah. Mofongo?
-No. Champaña, man. Mofongo? Man, that's pretty racist.
-Okay.
All right, well, the ratings
for the World Series were down this year.
Why do you think that is?
-Well, because nobody knows who these Red Sox players are, mang!
But everybody knows Big Papi, because I've become a spokesman.
-Oh, that's right. Yeah.
You do ads for a lot of different products, right?
-No, no, no. I do ads for spokes.
You got a wheel?
But you don't know how to connect it to your bike?
Use spokes, mang!
They're like tiny little crutches for your wheel!
-So that's an ad just promoting the general idea of spokes?
-Yeah, mang. Just, like, the concept, bro!
And I do an ad for Apple Watch, too.
-Apple Watch. -Apple Watch.
You got to watch your apples.
Or a monkey is gonna steal them, man.
So use Apple Watch instead. It's a gun.
-You protect your apples with a gun?
-Yeah, bro! You can eat apples with anything, man!
Mofongo.
Yuca encebollada.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
y funnel cake con salmon.
-Wait. I'm sorry. Funnel cake with salmon?
-Yeah, man, it make your dreams loco.
Oh, hey!
[ Chuckles ]
Did you see my ad for BitCoin?
-For BitCoin? No. No.
-You got a coin, but you don't know if it's gold or chocolate?
Well, if you Bit Coin, then you know!
It's what the pirates do in the movies, mang!
You know what I'm saying? -Yeah.
-And you ever seen the people that smoke the little vape pens?
-Yeah. Vape pens. -But I do an ad for Juul.
-Oh. -Yeah.
Juul --
if you walk around sucking on a vape pen,
juul look like a dumbass, mang!
-Big Papi, everyone! -[ Shouting indistinctly ]
-This week, former Red Sox -- This summer, former
Red Sox slugger David Ortiz got shot in the Dominican Republic.
But he has recovered,
and he even threw out the first pitch at a Red Sox game.
Here to comment is Big Papi himself, David Ortiz.
-Yo! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!
Yo! Whoo!
iFeliz septiembre, el Jost!
-It is so great to see you, Big Papi.
How was your summer? -It was bad.
-Oh, right. Right. I forgot.
-But you know what they say.
Whatever doesn't kill you
makes you want to kill the person who tried to kill you.
-Yeah, God, that must have been a horrible experience.
-Oh, you think, bro?
I had to go to the hospital in the Dominican Republic.
You know what they got in the hospital there?
-What? -They got mofongo.
Chicharrones con es shrimp.
Bistec con más bistec.
Habichuelas con cocoa nibs.
And in the IV, you know what they give you?
-What, like, a saline solution? -Close.
Guasacaca con queso frito.
-They have that in the hospital?
-At the Dominican hospital they do.
That's why I go to the Boston hospital next.
Yeah, you know what they got at the Boston hospital.
-What? -Medicine.
-Well -- Well, I hope that you stay safe from now on.
-Oh, me too, bro. That's why I'm more careful now.
When I go out, I wear a disguise.
Yeah, I get them all from the same place, you know -- Hairbnb.
You need a wig for the weekend? Use Hairbnb.
Every wig is made of 100% Guinea-pig hair.
Yeah, it's very itchy. [ Chuckles ]
-So you're still doing commercials, huh?
-Oh yeah, bro. I'm also trying to have a better diet now.
-Yeah. -So I eat the Possible Burger.
-You mean the Impossible Burger. -Nope.
Possible Burger.
Did you buy a bunch of ground beef
from the back of a pickup truck?
It might not be real meat. But it's possible.
-Well, I'm -- I'm just glad
that you're staying really positive about this.
-Oh, mucho positivo, Jost.
I got a new lease on life.
I've been exercising again.
-Oh, exercising? -Yeah, I'm using the Pelocon.
-You mean like a Peloton? -No, no, no.
Peloton is a bike.
Pelocon is a pelican.
Pelocon -- it's just a big pelican
that attack you when you're not expecting it.
I already lose 15 pounds and three fingers.
And you never see the pelican coming, because he use Hairbnb.
-Well, Big Papi, I'm just very happy that you're back
and that you're healthy enough
to be shooting these commercials.
-Hey, who's shooting?! -Okay. Big Papi, everyone.
-Hey, Merry Christmas, everybody!
Yo, yo. Protect the mofongo, Jost.
♪♪